This is what goes through my head when I’m on a plane.

Using a loop-texture I made by multi-sampling from my macbook’s mic on the flight.

The vocal is a very stream-of-consciousness feed from my tiny little mind.

This is how I feel when I fly.

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DeathBoy – Delta 06

I hate it when there’s turbulence.

Every time the wings start to shudder and the cabin bumps up and down, when those lights come on telling me to get back to my seat and strap up, the paranoid inside me screams “This is it, man! We’re all gonna die!”

And for the second time in my life, I find myself able to accept the irrational fear and stare it in the face. I find the ability to take deep breaths and be calm despite myself.

The first time I felt this way, it was because life was terrible and dark. I didn’t want to die, but it was so arduous and painful to get through each day the thought of just not BEING any more seemed like a very reasonable alternative.

This time, it’s pretty much the opposite.

For the first time I can remember, I feel like I’m at peace with a world with which I’ve spent my entire life in conflict.

I’d HATE to die now. After a bunch of really shit years, I’ve had a few stolen moments of basic, actual happiness. Stuff I’ve always wanted. And because of that, I’m peaceful.

I’ve had a chance to feel the way I always thought I should.

If I have to sign off now, I’ll go down screaming and fighting. But I won’t feel cheated.

I don’t need false comfort.

The quirks of my psychology, the way my head’s set up, have made me live every day as though I’d lose everything I cared about.

And a couple of times, I have. I’ve lived through the the worst case scenarios that haunted me and stopped me sleeping since I was a kid.

I do live a pretty awkward life.

I believe that safety is weakness and resting means presenting the world with an undefended back.

And I’m a hideously over-sensitive, highly-strung individual. Sometimes I find my automatic empathy crippling, I just can’t work out how people can be so fucking hideous, I can’t step back from it all and it tears me to bits.

But, despite living like this, and often because of it, I’ve been lucky enough to steal a few moments of what I imagine it’s like to be normal and content with your life.

I’ve sucked the juice out of these opportunities, and held every little moment precious, and close to me.

I wake up amazed that I get to be here, know these people and walk through this sunlight.

When I go to sleep, I try to put myself to rest by accepting that these might be the last thoughts I get to have.

If I’m cuddled up to my wife or my son, it doesn’t even feel unfair. I’m so grateful to get these seconds of overwhelming, undeserved bliss that I almost wish my heart would stop, so that it’s the last thing I ever feel.

This is my daily routine.

So if this plane goes down, I’ll be fucking furious.

I’ll scream at the atoms in the space that dare to stop me. I’ll threaten the gods I don’t even believe in with an eternity of my incandescent fucking rage.

I’ll be horrified and desperate, now that, finally, people exist that love me and would miss me if I was gone.

But I won’t feel as though I wasted the time that I had.

I’ve been confident and foolish, stupid and brave, desperate and adventurous.

I’ve done everything of importance I thought I ever had a chance of doing and never let ANYTHING pass me by because of fear.

And I’ve spent most of that time terrified, because I DO fear. But preferring the momentary shame of acting like a twat over a lifetime listening to my own insecurities drilling into me for missing a chance.

Life gives you a limited number of chances. You can’t complain if you didn’t try to snatch them.

All of this has meant that I’ve fucked up a lot, but I don’t regret any of it.

The “What-ifs” of life will kill you, they certainly kill me, and I’ve always been happier to regret something I’ve done than something I didn’t do.

I’ve never taken anything good for granted and I tell the people I love that I love them every moment of every day.

So, if this plane goes down, I know that I’ve used the time I had, to live my life as fully as I could possibly manage.

If death comes anywhere near me I’ll rip its tits off.